Crucial Conversations: 7 Steps For Talking About Difficult Subjects
So, you know those really important talks that happen at work between a boss and their employee? Well, those are what we call crucial conversations. They're usually about big stuff that can get pretty emotional and can seriously affect the relationship between the two, how the team works together, and even the overall success of the company.
Oftentimes, these conversations are around topics like:
Compensation
Scheduling
Inadequate training
Moving expectations
Too much work
Fear not, because I've got seven tried-and-true steps that will turn those awkward chats into productive discussions that actually get results. Let's dive in!
1. Common Mistakes
Taking feedback personally: Picture this: Your employee, let's call them Bob, gives you some constructive criticism about your management style. Instead of thanking Bob for their input, you take it personally and get defensive.
You might say something like, "Well, if you think you can do better, why don't you just be the boss?" Ouch, talk about a conversation killer!
Deflecting: Imagine you're having a serious chat with your employee, Sarah, about her performance. Instead of addressing the issue head-on, you start deflecting blame onto other factors like workload or team dynamics.
You might say, "It's not just you, Sarah. The whole team is struggling right now." But Sarah knows she's not the only one slacking, and she's not buying it!
Excusing: Now, let's say your employee, Alex, messed up on a project deadline. Instead of holding them accountable, you make excuses for their behavior.
You might say, "Well, Alex was dealing with some personal stuff, so we can cut them some slack this time." But let's be real, everyone has their own problems, and excuses won't cut it in the professional world!
Siding: Uh-oh, looks like you've been caught playing favorites! During a team meeting, two employees, Lisa and Mike, get into a heated debate. Instead of staying neutral and addressing both sides of the issue, you side with Lisa because she's your favorite.
But guess what? Mike feels totally betrayed, and now there's tension brewing in the office!
Creating an either-or scenario: Let's say you're discussing a new project with your team, and there's a difference in opinion on the approach. Instead of finding a middle ground, you present it as an either-or scenario.
You might say, "Well, we can either do it my way or not at all." But that's just limiting creativity and shutting down valuable input from your team!
Failing to come up with a plan: So, you've had a productive conversation with your employee, Jack, about his performance issues. You've identified the problem areas and discussed potential solutions.
But uh-oh, you forgot to actually come up with a plan of action! Now Jack is left feeling lost and unsure about what to do next.
Not following up: Last but not least, imagine you've had a crucial conversation with your employee, Emily, about her career development goals. You've come up with a plan together and set some milestones to track progress.
But then you drop the ball and never follow up on her progress. Now Emily feels like her goals are just gathering dust on a shelf somewhere!
2. Use Reflective Listening
Everyone wants to feel understood, and nothing you say, even if it might be helpful, will be received if they don’t feel like you understand where they are coming from.
When a direct report lays out an obstacle they are facing your first step is to accurately understand what the obstacle is.
Your goal is to get to YES.
Reflect back what you heard them saying and follow up with a call for clarification like:
“Does that sound right?”
“Do I understand correctly”
If you are off the mark, it’s okay, they will usually correct you.
Repeat this step until the problem is fully understood by both parties, and the answer to your call for clarification is “YES”.
3. Focus On the Person’s Situation
It's easy to get caught up in the specifics of a problem, but don't forget about the person behind it all. Take a step back and try to understand their situation.
For instance, if your employee, Jess, is consistently missing deadlines, instead of jumping straight to disciplinary action, consider what might be going on in her life outside of work that could be impacting her performance.
4. Radical Ownership
Radical ownership means taking responsibility for your part in the conversation, even if it's uncomfortable. Let's say your team missed an important deadline.
Instead of pointing fingers and playing the blame game, take a deep breath and own up to your role in the situation. Maybe you didn't provide enough resources or set clear expectations.
By owning the problem, you set the tone for a collaborative solution.
5. Use Dialectical Thinking
Here's a fancy term for a simple concept: understanding that two things can be true at the same time.
Life is full of gray areas, and crucial conversations are no exception.
Take, for example, a disagreement between two team members, Lisa and Mike. Lisa feels like Mike isn't pulling his weight, while Mike feels like Lisa is micromanaging him. Instead of picking sides, acknowledge that both perspectives have validity and work towards finding common ground.
6. Identify The Problem Type
Almost all problems can be separated into one of three camps:
Informational Problems
Skill Problems
Process Problems
Informational problems are where you or a direct report just don’t know something.
Solving this kind of problem is all about finding answers.
Even if the answer is not what a direct report wants, people appreciate knowing the truth.
Skill Problems are when someone doesn’t know how to do something, or how to do something to the quality of the company’s expectations.
These problems are usually solved with training and practice. And by practice, I mean providing real-time feedback for someone. This can come from shadowing, role-playing, or any other way where someone can demonstrate that they have learned a skill.
Process problems are breakdowns or obstacles that prevent us doing our work well or efficiently.
For these problems, you need a new or different way to do something.
Sometimes this might involve looping other people on your team, or sometimes it might just be about increasing clarity.
7. Find Solutions
Notice you need to identify the type of problem that you are dealing with before you try to give a solution.
It’s like making sure the lock and the key matchup.
Sometimes, managers will ask employees what they think THEY should do, but that also puts a lot of the burden on the employee who is already asking for help.
8. Follow Through and Follow Up
If you say you are gonna do something, do it.
If you give someone a date of when they can expect more information, hold true to it.
Sometimes following up is all that is needed, especially on things that can’t be controlled.
For example, if the schedule truly can’t change at all but a direct report mentions that they were struggling with it, in your next one-on-one bring it up.
Even if you are not able to provide a direct solution, showing that you care about someone’s concerns goes a long way. When you follow up and follow through consistently, your team will begin to connect you as the person who gets things done.
You don’t have to have all the answers right away, but you do need to be the person who understands what your direct report is going through and finds the answer.
Conclusion
So there you have it, folks: seven steps to mastering crucial conversations with your employees. By using reflective listening, focusing on the person's situation, owning the problem, embracing dialectical thinking, identifying solutions, and following through, you'll be well on your way to building stronger relationships, fostering a positive work environment, and achieving better outcomes for your team. Happy communicating!
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